the God who holds hearts

going to school today, I didn't want to give anything...I wanted to hide, to close up, to harden myself and make my heart an impenetrable fortress of apathy. I felt like a dead person walking, and I wanted to teach like a dead person teaching. I didn't care, and I didn't want to care either. because it's too hard to care, to look past yourself and your own throbbing, hurting heart and care about the person next to you.

but ten minutes before the first bell rang, He called me away. and He told me that even if I don't have it all together, even if my heart is shaky and scarred and unsure, I can still give it away. I can still love, because He's loved me first. I'm not helpless...I don't have to be eaten alive by my wild, untameable emotions. because He is the strength of my heart. because He is my portion in the land of the living. because He is greater than my heart, and He knows everything (1 John 3:20).

so I don't have to waste it.

why is it the default state of human beings to close up, to want to protect themselves? as a Christian, is there really anything left to protect? of course it's scary to love...it makes you vulnerable. but what do I have to lose by giving myself and my imperfect heart? I have Christ, and I'll never lose Him...so why can't I give everything else away?

I'm asking Him what it means to throw open wide the door of my heart...

"We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you...open wide your hearts also."

~2 Corinthians 6:11-13